Breaking my Heart
by theraininspring
Summary: “Only you can hurt me like this Derek.” Addison and Derek contemplate their marriage and slowly find their way back to each other. Addek.
1. Start Again

I hate leaving fics unfinished but I really wanted to write something post-finale. Seriously, blame the plot bunnies running around my head. Set after Derek comes home. I promise I will finish this fic (I know where it is going and I won't let anything distract me!). Read and enjoy (and if possible hit the little "submit a review" button at the bottom of the page).

_Oh you're breaking my heart again _

Don't ask me to start  
Ask me to start  
Just don't ask me to start again  
Start again

…

"You look beautiful"

I sit on the edge of the small bed. Mascara running down my cheek. The dress I spent hours picking out wrinkled and looking worse for wear. My hair which was up in a neat bun is now disheveled and falling all over the place.

I have never looked worse in my life. I have perhaps never felt worse in my life.

Though the night Derek found me with Mark comes close in comparison.

I may have looked beautiful once but it is far from what I feel now.

"You didn't go with her?"

My voice empty.

"No."

And I don't ask whether it was his choice or not. I know my husband is not strong enough to walk away. Our marriage is one example of that.

"I came home to you."

His voice even emptier than mine.

The lies we tell each other to sleep well at night.

I suppose that isn't entirely true because neither Derek nor I will ever get a good night's sleep while lying next to each other. Maybe they're the little lies we tell to hope the other gets a good's night sleep.

I look to the floor and finally up to him.

"Is it out of your system? Is she out of your system?"

My tone even and soft.

I know Derek well, better than I know myself. Better than I know a soul on this earth.

If he wants it, he will have it. Sooner or later.

Derek loved the chase and it was only a matter of time before Meredith Grey collapsed under the pressure.

His head hangs even lower, if it is at all possible as he loosens his tie and enters the bathroom.

I make a mental note to send the tux to the dry cleaner before I return it.

I unzip my dress and slip under the covers. Derek was not strong enough to stay with me but I know I am strong enough to stay with him.

But then again, Derek is my weakness. And Meredith is his.

He emerges from the bathroom. A quick shower to wash away the events of the evening.

If only it was really that easy.

He sits at the edge, where I was. My dress crumpled at his feet.

"I didn't mean to Addison. I want you, I need you. I just, I just…"

His voice cracks and I know he is crying. This hurts him as much as it hurts me.

Every moment I spent with Mark I knew I was hurting him but I kept doing it. I couldn't stop myself. I made the same mistake over and over. Meredith is Derek's mistake.

Maybe we'll stop before we self destruct. Maybe we'll stop while there is still something left of the other person.

"Is it over?"

He lies down next to me. His body is heavy and so are his worries.

He's still confused.

I allow him to hold me even though I fear he imagines Meredith in his arms.

"Yes." And I don't know if he's telling me or simply trying to convince himself.

I hear the rain outside and I can't help but think how fitting it is.

"Only you can hurt me like this Derek."

"That's what kills me."

His voice so desperate and sad against my neck.

We hold one another in silence and a restless sleep over comes us both.

…

Aqualung

What's a girl to do? Well, Addison knows but you'll have to wait and see.


	2. When I'm Alone

I didn't mean to wait so long to update but life likes to get in the way. Enjoy.

Coffee, he needed coffee, and lots of it.

He turned over in the small bed and realized how empty his trailer felt. There was no loving wife by his side, no faithful dog at the foot of the bed. And though he had lived there months in solitude, it had never felt quite this vacant.

He sat up with a jerk and examined the room. Her shoes still scattered across the bedroom floor, her hair products still overflowing from the bathroom, her clothes still falling out of the closet. She was still there; she had not left in the middle of the night.

He took a deep sigh and fell back on to the bed. He lay still, his eyes staring at the dull silver color of the trailer's ceiling. Every now and then it surprised him that this was the place he called home. It was dingy and dark. No room to decorate with few places for personal belongings.

It was a place where there was no room to form personal attachments. It was never meant to be a home, simply temporary arrangement until he sorted his life out.

He would be lying to himself if he didn't admit a part of him held on to the trailer to hurt her. To make her life slightly more difficult. He wanted her to feel out of place, bewildered, and maybe slightly alone. Like he had felt many months ago.

Though, being in the position he was in now, he had no right to make her feel that way. He wondered if she would forgive his childish antics. Maturity had never been once of his strong suits.

He sat up, slowly this time, to ease the pain of his pounding head.

He had come home to her but not before stopping for a few drinks. Maybe to drink away the night's events. Maybe try to sort out what a mess his life was. Maybe to decide what it was he wanted. Maybe realize what he needed. And maybe understand what the difference was.

He walked to the coffee maker and poured himself a cup. It was old but it was coffee. He took a long sip relaxing his head back. It was so quiet. And just like in the movies he felt a chill and knew something was wrong.

He dropped the cup and ran back to the bedroom. He tore apart the closet till he got to the bottom. Under his gym bag and copies of dated medical journals was a small shoe box. His hands shook slightly as he opened the box.

His wedding ring sat inside, a picture of Meredith, and a picture of Addison. A few tokens from family. A letter he had written on the drive to Seattle asking Addison why, a letter he never had the heart to mail. Maybe because he met Meredith the night he planned to send it. Some things he wanted to forget and some he wanted to keep hidden.

Derek's heart sank as the item in question was missing. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the bed.

The divorce papers Addison had handed him when she had first arrived in Seattle were gone.

This was going to be a long day.

_I opened up the music box  
I wish you would have changed the locks  
To keep me from replaying  
All the feelings I've been saving_

…

carbon leaf

So what is Addison going to do with those divorce papers?


End file.
